The College Food Chain

THE DEAN

• Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
• Is more powerful than a locomotive
• Is faster than a speeding bullet
• Walks on water
• Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

• Leaps short buildings in a single bound
• Is more powerful than a switch engine
• Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
• Talks with God

PROFESSOR

• Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
• Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
• Is faster than a speeding BB
• Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
• Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

• Barely clears a Quonset hut
• Loses tug of war with a locomotive
• Can fire a speeding bullet
• Swims well
• Is occasionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

• Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
• Is run over by locomotives
• Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
• Treads water
• Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR

• Climbs walls continually
• Rides the rails
• Plays Russian Roulette
• Walks on thin ice
• Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT

• Runs into buildings
• Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
• Is not issued ammunition
• Can stay afloat with a life jacket
• Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT

• Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
• Says "Look at the choo-choo!"
• Wets himself with a water pistol
• Plays in mud puddles
• Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY

• Lifts buildings and walks under them
• Kicks locomotives off the tracks
• Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
• Freezes water with a single glance
• She/he is God.