Adam Sandler's Horoscopes:

Aquarius (Jan 23-Feb 22)

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal.You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23- Mar 22)

You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads.You are quick to reprimand, impatient & full of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come into contact with. You are a prick.

Aries ( Mar 23- April 22)

You have a wild imagination & often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA.You have minor influence on your friendsand people resent you for flaunting your power.You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23-May 22)

You are practical & persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell.Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini ( May 23-June 22)

You are a quick and intelligent thinker.People like you because you are bisexual.You are inclined to expect too much for to little. This means you are a cheap bastard.Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23- July 22)

You are sympthetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker.You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't ever be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo ( July 23- Aug 22)

You consider yourself a born leader. Other's think you are an idiot.Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain & cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting.Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo ( Aug 23-Sept 22)

You are the logical type & hate disorder. Your shit picking attitude is sickening to your friends and coworkers. You are cold unemotional & often fall asleep while fucking.Virgo's make good busdrivers & pimps.

Libra ( Sept 23- Oct 22)

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality.If you are male you're probably queer. Chances for employment & monetary gain are nil.Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23- Nov 22)

You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.

Sagittarius ( Nov 23- Dec 22 )

You are optomistic & enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23- Jan 22)

You are conservative & afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.